The Flame That I Can Never Be

Awakened ocean waves turn inside my heart
The candles from that night start to burn out
I fight the waves with my sore and tired fists
But my hands are scarred by these grey skies

God, why can’t I keep my mind on You
When You’re the one who made my mind
And everything good that’s inside of me

Jesus Christ knows scarred hands
The Son of Man, crucified by me
He knows them better than I’ll ever know
And still, He’ll wash the blood from my hands

Help me to give myself up to You
For I am weak and tired
I’ll never make it if I’m all alone

So wash my soul with crystal snow
And be the flame that I can never be

Carousels

Mewithoutyou - Carousels

I wish that I could write as well as Aaron Weiss does ...

On a bus ride into town
I wondered, "Why am I going to town?"
As I looked around 
At the billboards and the stores 
I thought, "Why do I look around?"
I got up and bowed 
And I kissed the filthy ground
And in the first dry spot I found I laid back down
And I didn't have to wonder 
Why I was laying down

Before long I was too cold
And so I took a bus back to the station
I found a letter left by a pay phone 
With no return contact
And it read like a horn blown 
By some sad angel:
"Funny, it was me 
It was me who let you down"
It was the shyest attempt 
I'd ever seen at conversation

If I didnt have you as my guide
I'd still wander lost in Sinai
Counting the plates of cars from out of state
(How I could jump in their path as they hurry along!)
Until you surround me
You're pretty but you're all I can see
Like a thick fog
If there was no way into God
I would never have laid in this grave of a body
For so long

St. Cyril's fair always came through 
The first week of September
But it's already the 19th 
And there's no sign of it yet
I have a hard time remembering 
The things I should remember
And a hard time forgetting 
All the things I should forget

Oh Christ, when you're ready to come back
I think I'm ready for you to come back
But if you want to stay wherever exactly it is you are
That's okay too -
It's really none of my business

And if I didn't have you as my guide
I'd still be wandering lost in Sinai
Or down by the tracks
Watching trains go by to remind me:
There are places that aren't here
I had a well but all the water left
So I'll ask for your forgiveness 
With every breath
If there was no way into God
I would never have laid in this grave of a body
So long, dear

At This Moment

I don't even really know what to write at this moment. I feel lost again, but then again, we must all be lost or confused in some form or another, right? I feel far from God, and when I pray for desire, I don't feel like it's coming. But maybe I need some patience? I know that I could use more of that. I've been seeking alone time, but it's hard to get. People are everywhere, and I'm not used to having this little time to myself. Maybe I should invest in those opportunities instead of looking for a quiet place to go, even though I really want that. Jesus did that in Mark chapter 6 ... is it wrong for me to remain by myself when people ask if I want to spend time with them? I'm out of energy and somewhat overwhelmed ... headaches, nervousness, stomach aches, recognizing the hurt of other people, wondering if I really feel hurt ... so focused on my feelings. I was reminded numerous times this week about the danger of complaining. I really like to complain at times, usually about small predicaments ... but it's something I know I should work on. Tomorrow I'll be performing some music at Cornerstone (with my Groove Machine, the Yamaha DJX - IIB), so I'm sort of looking forward to it. Pretty nervous, but I've been practicing, so hopefully it goes okay. Busy with preparing that, working on my study project, weekly journals, getting ready for the talent show on December 8. Who have I been lately? Am I myself? This is unstructured, my head hurts, and I don't know how to express what's going on ... many different confusions are juxtaposed inside, and I seem to be having trouble with sorting them out.

Album of the day: Alexisonfire - Watch Out!  

The Colours of Pain

Cold body that's unsure

Feeling so insecure

Inside of these dark thoughts

My soul seems split in parts

Archaic stained glass scheme

Extreme consistent theme

Different colours of pain

Feeling lost and insane

Dysfunction in the veins

Every day is the same

And the same is cliché

So where do I go now?

And who should I turn to?

Inside this confusion

With these masked illusions

Common substitution

Adding retribution

To the contribution

Hollow constitution

God, who am I really?

Some say "do what you want"

While others oppose this

And seek "that which You want"

But what is it You want? 

Is your voice in my head?

Or is it my conscience?

Based on pieces I've read

Where the pages have bled

I'm lacking confidence

This broken hypocrite

Is the antithesis

Of where he should be at

And the map is glossed out

I'm trapped in these lost doubts

But I bring this to You

Since no one is around

Kill the noise and these sounds

I have nowhere else, God

Would You become my home?

I have nowhere to go 

God, animals, robots, etc

For a long time I didn't think that I was good enough to have a relationship with God. I didn't think that I had enough faith, and I felt torn on whether or not He actually existed (this is something that I still struggle with). You cannot prove that God exists, and you cannot prove that He does not exist. However, I do have faith that He is out there, and that there must be something better than ourselves. I want my relationship to grow, and I also want to live a life that is worshipful towards the Creator. Living without God is similar to living like an animal ... you wake up, you eat, you sleep, and all of those other mechanical actions, which eventually brings you to the point of death. Where is the meaning in all of that? I think that we were meant for greater things. We are not robots, and we have souls planted within us. If we were robots, would we even be able to question on whether or not we actually had a soul? There has got to be more than what we see at face value. I know for a fact that there is so much that I don't notice throughout the day, while I live with these restricted lenses. But I want to improve in this area. I want to focus on God more, and I want to worship Him each day through my actions, thoughts, speech, heart, intentions, etc. My thoughts are scattered as usual, but I feel like I've been learning some very important lessons lately.

without this fire

This song is about the Voice of God, the often veiled but no less prevalent mysteries of the soul that call out to us all, and our penchant for tuning it all out. The first verse is about our learned ambivalence. The last verse is about John The Baptist. The song is of course written from the perspective of God.

Above paragraph / music conducted by Joe Gurba

http://thejoe.bandcamp.com/track/without-this-fire