First Semester

It's strange for me to think that the first semester of Bible school will be over in a few days, but I'm anticipating going home for awhile. I've been really thankful to be here for the past (almost) 3 months, and I am continually learning about myself, God, and other people. Honestly enough, I find that nearly every day there is something that upsets me, but I'm trying to persevere through my struggles even though it is difficult. I feel mixed up a lot of the time, and it makes it tiring to be around others and talk to them. What am I confused with, exactly? I am confused about who I am to other people, what the true identity of Jesus looks like, why we as people are entertained by such pointlessness, being told yesterday to just "have faith" and not try to comprehend, etc. I recognize that I cannot understand everything, but at the same time I do find importance in figuring out what is going on around me. I think that thinking through spiritual truths can allow us to gain a deeper understanding of what we are putting our faith into, and to embrace insight that will be helpful to us. God did give us a mind, so why are we afraid to use it? Well, we as humans use what we are given for bad purposes a lot of the time (myself included). That being said ... our minds can be used for good too, to focus on what helps us grow in God and honor Him. I don't think it's the same for everyone either, as no two of us are identical. It bothers me when people try to create peace by saying we are all the same. We are not, and that's why there are problems in the first place. It's not easy to love people with differences that we don't agree with, but God calls us to love them anyway, which is beyond our comprehension. My words don't do justice for what He wants to say either. Lately I have been feeling as though I really have nothing left to say, and that I've spoken enough words in my life to last me awhile. God does tell us to let our words be few, after all. Confusion is plebeian for me, and I worry that what goes on inside of me affects the way I am around others, in a negative manner. I certainly don't want to let these people down, but sometimes I just don't even know what to do with myself; I feel trite, worn out, and overwhelmed sometimes. Right now though ... I feel some peace in it all. As long as I live problems will come, but they will also go. Praying that "God's will be done" is a frightening prayer.

Dalama Jones

Yesterday I deleted my Facebook profile, so my music page is lost somewhere in cyberspace ... therefore, I decided to make this:

http://dalamajonesmusic.blogspot.ca/

This will be the new place for anything that has to do with Dalama Jones :)

The Flame That I Can Never Be

Awakened ocean waves turn inside my heart
The candles from that night start to burn out
I fight the waves with my sore and tired fists
But my hands are scarred by these grey skies

God, why can’t I keep my mind on You
When You’re the one who made my mind
And everything good that’s inside of me

Jesus Christ knows scarred hands
The Son of Man, crucified by me
He knows them better than I’ll ever know
And still, He’ll wash the blood from my hands

Help me to give myself up to You
For I am weak and tired
I’ll never make it if I’m all alone

So wash my soul with crystal snow
And be the flame that I can never be

Carousels

Mewithoutyou - Carousels

I wish that I could write as well as Aaron Weiss does ...

On a bus ride into town
I wondered, "Why am I going to town?"
As I looked around 
At the billboards and the stores 
I thought, "Why do I look around?"
I got up and bowed 
And I kissed the filthy ground
And in the first dry spot I found I laid back down
And I didn't have to wonder 
Why I was laying down

Before long I was too cold
And so I took a bus back to the station
I found a letter left by a pay phone 
With no return contact
And it read like a horn blown 
By some sad angel:
"Funny, it was me 
It was me who let you down"
It was the shyest attempt 
I'd ever seen at conversation

If I didnt have you as my guide
I'd still wander lost in Sinai
Counting the plates of cars from out of state
(How I could jump in their path as they hurry along!)
Until you surround me
You're pretty but you're all I can see
Like a thick fog
If there was no way into God
I would never have laid in this grave of a body
For so long

St. Cyril's fair always came through 
The first week of September
But it's already the 19th 
And there's no sign of it yet
I have a hard time remembering 
The things I should remember
And a hard time forgetting 
All the things I should forget

Oh Christ, when you're ready to come back
I think I'm ready for you to come back
But if you want to stay wherever exactly it is you are
That's okay too -
It's really none of my business

And if I didn't have you as my guide
I'd still be wandering lost in Sinai
Or down by the tracks
Watching trains go by to remind me:
There are places that aren't here
I had a well but all the water left
So I'll ask for your forgiveness 
With every breath
If there was no way into God
I would never have laid in this grave of a body
So long, dear

At This Moment

I don't even really know what to write at this moment. I feel lost again, but then again, we must all be lost or confused in some form or another, right? I feel far from God, and when I pray for desire, I don't feel like it's coming. But maybe I need some patience? I know that I could use more of that. I've been seeking alone time, but it's hard to get. People are everywhere, and I'm not used to having this little time to myself. Maybe I should invest in those opportunities instead of looking for a quiet place to go, even though I really want that. Jesus did that in Mark chapter 6 ... is it wrong for me to remain by myself when people ask if I want to spend time with them? I'm out of energy and somewhat overwhelmed ... headaches, nervousness, stomach aches, recognizing the hurt of other people, wondering if I really feel hurt ... so focused on my feelings. I was reminded numerous times this week about the danger of complaining. I really like to complain at times, usually about small predicaments ... but it's something I know I should work on. Tomorrow I'll be performing some music at Cornerstone (with my Groove Machine, the Yamaha DJX - IIB), so I'm sort of looking forward to it. Pretty nervous, but I've been practicing, so hopefully it goes okay. Busy with preparing that, working on my study project, weekly journals, getting ready for the talent show on December 8. Who have I been lately? Am I myself? This is unstructured, my head hurts, and I don't know how to express what's going on ... many different confusions are juxtaposed inside, and I seem to be having trouble with sorting them out.

Album of the day: Alexisonfire - Watch Out!  

The Colours of Pain

Cold body that's unsure

Feeling so insecure

Inside of these dark thoughts

My soul seems split in parts

Archaic stained glass scheme

Extreme consistent theme

Different colours of pain

Feeling lost and insane

Dysfunction in the veins

Every day is the same

And the same is cliché

So where do I go now?

And who should I turn to?

Inside this confusion

With these masked illusions

Common substitution

Adding retribution

To the contribution

Hollow constitution

God, who am I really?

Some say "do what you want"

While others oppose this

And seek "that which You want"

But what is it You want? 

Is your voice in my head?

Or is it my conscience?

Based on pieces I've read

Where the pages have bled

I'm lacking confidence

This broken hypocrite

Is the antithesis

Of where he should be at

And the map is glossed out

I'm trapped in these lost doubts

But I bring this to You

Since no one is around

Kill the noise and these sounds

I have nowhere else, God

Would You become my home?

I have nowhere to go 

God, animals, robots, etc

For a long time I didn't think that I was good enough to have a relationship with God. I didn't think that I had enough faith, and I felt torn on whether or not He actually existed (this is something that I still struggle with). You cannot prove that God exists, and you cannot prove that He does not exist. However, I do have faith that He is out there, and that there must be something better than ourselves. I want my relationship to grow, and I also want to live a life that is worshipful towards the Creator. Living without God is similar to living like an animal ... you wake up, you eat, you sleep, and all of those other mechanical actions, which eventually brings you to the point of death. Where is the meaning in all of that? I think that we were meant for greater things. We are not robots, and we have souls planted within us. If we were robots, would we even be able to question on whether or not we actually had a soul? There has got to be more than what we see at face value. I know for a fact that there is so much that I don't notice throughout the day, while I live with these restricted lenses. But I want to improve in this area. I want to focus on God more, and I want to worship Him each day through my actions, thoughts, speech, heart, intentions, etc. My thoughts are scattered as usual, but I feel like I've been learning some very important lessons lately.

without this fire

This song is about the Voice of God, the often veiled but no less prevalent mysteries of the soul that call out to us all, and our penchant for tuning it all out. The first verse is about our learned ambivalence. The last verse is about John The Baptist. The song is of course written from the perspective of God.

Above paragraph / music conducted by Joe Gurba

http://thejoe.bandcamp.com/track/without-this-fire

feeling empty

Saturday night I felt very content, Sunday was on and off, but these past two days ... I feel rather void and discouraged. I think I might just need some patience right now ... or maybe I need to become more observant to what may be the voice of God. I want to hear Him (when He is not being silent with me), and I want a relationship with Him, and to follow in the ways of Jesus ... but what does that look like? Is there a certain feeling that is associated? I feel very lost and confused. I don't know what's going on right now.

surrendering

Surrendering to God is not easy ... but I made the decision to last night. One of my friends / an LTS here talked with me for around an hour (which I truly thank him for), and I prayed to God, giving up my life to Him. I recognized that the way I was living before was getting me nowhere, as my days were spent in waves of meaninglessness. I have so many questions about God, questions in general, doubts ... it won't be easy, but I need something that is greater than myself. I am striving for a growing relationship with God, and to follow in the ways of Jesus Christ. I know I will mess up numerous times, I understand that I will never reach perfection. But I want for my life to have meaning. Last night / today, my thoughts have shifted quite a bit. I already seem to be focusing on God more, and I've been thinking about Him / praying today. I feel content in a sense, content that I am starting at a new point. I feel uneasy at the same time ... I don't know what's coming for me. Following God doesn't automatically equal a happy and blissful life, as pain is unavoidable. But meaning is so crucial ... I don't really know how to end this, as my thoughts are all over the place right now ... but for those reading, thanks :)

the opportunity to be ridiculous

Yesterday was the first Cornerstone event, and it went very well. I think that those who attended enjoyed themselves quite a lot. I definitely did ... basically stayed in that small room from 8:00 pm - 11:45 pm. However, the actual event only lasted from around 8:00 - 10:00. The evening started out with some Electronic / Dance music playing from an iPod, where people were just dancing and having fun. I don't really know how to dance, and I'm pretty laid back most of the time, so I just sat on the floor and observed the odd actions of these people. It was hilarious! Haha, some of the moves that these people had were ridiculous. After that, there was some live music. The first songs were upbeat and non - serious (in which there was some awesomer crowd surfing). After that there were games, one of the LTS shared their testimony, there was some worship music, and then people had the opportunity to hang out in the room, while some music was playing. Most people left at around 10:00 pm, but a few people (including myself) hung out in the room until about a quarter to 12:00 am (as fore mentioned in the second sentence). In essence, it was mostly acting, singing, and playing musical instruments in a comical fashion. I was deemed as being a "princess" by the chef here, who deemed himself as being the "rock star". He honed the microphone for quite awhile and provided many good laughs. I did lots of cartwheels, headstands, random forms of running, jumping over chairs and couches, and even pretended to be Luigi from the Super Mario games at one point. It was crazy. I feel exhausted today from acting so odd ... hahaha, I don't really know what causes me to behave in such a way. I mean, I'm usually pretty calm (I hope) ... but sometimes I just feel like being ridiculous, since I have the opportunity to be ridiculous. Afterwards though, I usually feel kinda guilty ... was I too ridiculous to the point of being irritable towards other people? I wouldn't want to cause that, I was simply acting strange. Hmmm ... all in all, I enjoyed Friday.

The 4th Week of October

This week we have two guest lecturers, which I enjoy, as this gives more variety to the classes. One of them is a pastor at one of the churches in Duncan (who is speaking on Job), and the other is a Scotsman who speaks in a rather entertaining accent (who is speaking about prayer). Prior to hearing him speak, Steve (the principal of the school) told us that he was a fan of the word "amen". Steve was definitely right. During the first part of his first lecture, he kind of got the students into the habit of saying it. Now, after so many of the phrases that he speaks, people will say "amen" to it. In fact, it's pretty much gotten to the point where I can guess when others are going to say the word. I find it all to be rather droll and humorous. Apart from the classes, this Friday is Cornerstone (the outreach that I joined), and I'm looking forward to seeing what that evening will bring.

Song of the Day: Forever Changed - "Knowledge"

Missing

I miss home, and pizza hut, and personal space right now. Might sound boring, but being an introvert, who greatly enjoys food, and being at home, these are some of the things that I am missing right now. Today will be spent searching for the book I lost that I need to read, using the Internet to my advantage (since we have it all day today), listening to some music, possibly reading the book if I can find it, and ... I'm not really sure what else. 

Album of the day:

UnderOath - The Changing of Times 

Venture: Mount Washington

This past weekend I went on a venture with 14 other students. Our destination was Mount Washington where we laughed, chilled, danced, and did a little bit of exercise (it was mostly a time of kicking back, which was great). There were only 4 guys on the trip, so we each got our own rooms which was stellar. They even had TVs, along with VHS / DVD players. My room had two doors inside of it, but I couldn't figure out what was on the other side because they were locked. I was a little disappointed as I am a rather curious person. Here are some pictures from the walk ...

letters, headaches, and outreaches

Hey there ... so, here are some updates ... I wish I could say that in a more creative way, but I can't really think of much right now. Anyway ...

• I have obtained a pen pal from Penelakut Island (which is pretty close to Thetis). Therefore, I will be writing to a Grade 2 boy from Penelakut Elementary School each week
  
• I joined one of the outreaches offered by the school, which is called Cornerstone. It is going to take place right here at the Harbour, offering a time for the students to get together on Friday nights and hang out. I signed up for media, so I'll probably design some posters for it and stuff like that
  
• I have had a headache for the past 4 days, and I feel strange. Feeling quite dizzy, and I think I may have a bump on my neck ... it hurts quite a lot, and my whole body kind of hurts. Some shakes too ... yeah, not feeling that good right now
  
• I will be heading out on a venture tomorrow (Mt. Washington Trek and Veg) ... I think it's gonna be a nice and relaxing weekend 

Glass Secretorum

This is a poem that I wrote recently ...

I wander down a thousand paths
Just to end up at the place where I began
It’s like I’ll never know
What everyone else seems to understand

My feet are burning
from the acid on the floor
and my heart fell down
from the weakened cage
that used to hold it

The world keeps its secrets from me
as they speak to one another
through a glass case that is too sharp
for my dull mind to comprehend

I’m so tired of trying to see you through
When you’re dressed in ambiguity
My search is constant
 The veil you hide behind is unrelieved

And when I feel like I finally know you
my knowledge drifts away
like the coloured leaves of Autumn
My questions stay the same

one less addiction

Yesterday was the first day of work day, and I would have to say that it went okay. My job yesterday was to help with cleaning kayaks and canoes, which sounds quite easy, but it actually took pretty long. We had to place them onto a trailer and take them to another area, which took some time. Anyway ... my clumsiness definitely proved itself to me yesterday. It started out with a small cut on my finger, which I hurt on a piece of one of the canoes, which then turned into cutting my leg on some random thorny branch, which eventually scaled into tripping on a boat trailer, and falling onto my back. Oh, and my shoes got soaked too from working on the dock. Hahaha, it was actually hilarious (at least, to me). I don't mind getting messy from the job, and I find it to be rather funny and satisfying.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

This has been my addiction lately ... these are some left over No Name, Regular Ripple Cut chips, that were not consumed during the venture from last weekend ... and now they are in our cabin! It makes me kinda happy ... food is so interesting.

 This is my leg after the work day ...

Song of the Day: Embodyment - One Less Addiction (Acoustic Version)

newly familiar surroundings

This is a collection of some pictures that I took around the campus today

photographs and funny moments

I was up at quarter to 7:00 this morning, and only fell asleep last night at around 12:45 probably ... ? I'm not even sure. I think that I will have to drink some Coca - Cola or something, as I feel rather tired (don't worry Uncle Perry, I will avoid buying Pepsi). Yesterday was a pretty good day though, and was easily my favorite so far out of the time that I have been here. I've really met some hilarious people here ... one of the days I even got a headache just from laughing so much. We also had a disco in the laundry room yesterday, which was dope! Anyway, here are some pictures that I took on this early morning.

The Eighth Day

It is only the eighth day of my time at Capernwray (if you count the Thursday evening which I arrived here). These days have been really long though, so it's felt like I've been away from home for months already. I recently received my daily duty, and the job that I have embraced is washing dishes. To be frank, I was actually hoping I would get this job. I don't mind doing the dishes, and sometimes it can even be enjoyable. That is rather unimportant though. I spent part of yesterday taking a ferry to the community of Chemainus. It was kind of nice to get away from the Capernwray campus for awhile and explore. I even got to enjoy a Crush Cream Soda (which is supposedly a girls beverage), so that was quite delightful for my taste buds. Other than that ... not much is new. Just getting used to this new schedule. Oh, I almost forgot, but not quite, so I'm going to write it now so that I won't forget. Some people have been asking about the mailing address of the school, so here it is:
Box 1-10, Thetis Island, BC, Canada V0R 2Y0

 I took this picture outside of Seair Sea Plans. I thought it had a sci-fi kinda feel to it. 

This is the inside of the gym. It's pretty interesting, as it's inside of an old barn. 

This is the picture that is in the center of the gym. From what I can tell, it is a beaver. 

the first few days

Well ... I guess I'll start off by saying that I made it here! Haha. The first few days have been alright so far. It's definitely going to take getting used to living here, but I'm hoping that I will adjust. I've met some friendly people thus far, and the lectures have been okay too. I must be frank, I have trouble sitting and listening to a speaker (I consider myself to be more of a visual learner ... typical, I know). I've taken some notes in my notebook though, so hopefully they'll help me out (along with some pictures I drew when I was distracted or when I simply felt like drawing). The scenery and surroundings here are very beautiful, and I have enjoyed the setting. Here are some pictures from the first days of my trip ... I think I'll keep it at that for now, but I'll try and update this blog when I can. Thanks for reading. 

On Feeling Bewildered ...

Let me start off by saying that I have felt very strange this past week. Today especially, I just feel very disconnected in a mental sense. I can't decide which emotions to express without feeling hesitant, and I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I have been getting quite a few headaches, and today I feel like there's a hole inside my stomach. This is a very confusing and frustrating feeling. It probably has something to do with leaving in 4 days, but that has been kept in the back of my mind. Being away from all of my surroundings is unimaginable. I know that it will hurt when I get there though. Basically, I don't really move on that well. Sometimes I even miss the old house that we used to live in. That's another story though.

Song of the day: "One Lonely Visitor" by Chevelle

This has been one of those songs that I can play ... well, basically whenever. It's a very special song to me, as I rarely get sick of listening to it. That's interesting for me, because I get bored very easily. This song has so much passion and feeling in it ... I'll admit, I thoroughly enjoy serious and emotional music.  

is this really happening?

It usually takes awhile for the events (or forthcoming events) in my life to hit me. This one is no different. Up until these past few days, I really haven't been thinking about going away that much. Now I'm starting to feel a little nervous though. I mean, what will it be like to be around all of these strangers for the first few days? I don't adapt to new settings very well (you could consider me to be the antithesis of a chameleon in that sense). When it actually comes, I'm sure that I will be surprised. I'm trying not to form too many expectations in my mind, but it's hard since I am a mere mortal being. At the same time, my mind doesn't seem to be taking me too many places though, regarding BC, so I guess I will just wait and see. 

Introduction

Hello there, my name is Graham. If you are reading this, than you probably know me. But this may not be the case, which would also be pretty radical! Anyway, this is the blog that I will (hopefully) be updating while I am on Thetis Island in British Columbia. What I am doing there is attending Capernwray Harbour Bible School from September 21, 2012 - May ??, 2013 (I don't know the date). That's kind of why I chose the blog title to be "Inside These Autumn Memories", since it starts in Autumn. And it's the name of one of my songs. Yeah I know, it's cliche. I honestly don't really know what I'm getting myself into by going away, so it should be an adventure. I will try to keep you posted. Thanks.